Girlfriends.

They’re basically the only way to keep your sanity in life.

AMIRIGHT?

Preach.

Furthermore, there are just certain things you only say to your best lady loves; those dark, dirty secrets or (embarrassing) everyday happenings that you just really need to share with SOMEONE so that you can be validated that yes, you are crazy but you’re not the only one.

As much fun as men can be, your husband/baby daddy/boyfriend/FWB/secret lover will probably (hopefully?) never have a vagina, and sometimes there are things that you can only say to people with similar parts.

Do you catch my drift?

I’ve been keeping a list for awhile now, of a bunch of the random, embarrassing, and ridiculous and things my girlfriends and I have said to each other.

I’ve been contemplating whether or not to publish this particular blog post for awhile, now. My thought was that it might be a little over the top and/or offensive (as if posting pictures of my underwear or talking about my sexcapades gone wrong are not either of those things). But then I said to myself, Self, have you ever read the title of your own blog? Okay? Okay. 

And also, I recently gave a fellow human a few examples of some of the quotes I’d planned on using and his response was, “I’m pretty sure you say way more inappropriate and weird things to me on a regular basis.”

Touchè.

So it’s happening.

(What that person doesn’t know is that I secretly took that as one of the best compliments ever.)

Keep it weird, people. Keep it weird.

I would like to emphasize that these did not all come out of MY mouth. Most of them are things other people have said to me…mm hmm, yea…especially the ones that really make you contemplate the status of my mental health. Definitely didn’t say any of those ones.

Definitely not.

…aaanyway…

Without further adieu,

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Shit Girls Say to Their BFF’s:

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I just had to tug unnecessarily hard to get my thong out of my ass crack.

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I don’t want to hear from you again until there’s been actual P in the V. I love you. I believe in you. Good luck.

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GF1: The kissing was WAY too much. It was like, “Here, let me swirl my tongue around your tongue for 16 minutes and then right before your mouth completely dries up from being wide fucking open and catching flies, I’ll kiss your lips.” I’m exhausted.

GF2: Stop kissing him.

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GF1: Do you know what you’re wearing on your date tonight???

GF2: No idea! I want him to see me and choke on his own saliva. What does that outfit look like?

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(At a bakery)

I am SOOO bloated. Do I look bloated? Don’t you fucking dare lie to me right now, ___. Do I? I don’t? You swear? Okay, lets split a cookie then.

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Don’t mind me while I furiously rub my vagina with face-cleansing towelettes.

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I just said this to somebody: “These almonds are EVERYTHING.” Everything? What am I, a fucking Kardashian? No. Please feel free to unfriend me from your life.

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I only ended up getting my ass waxed, so maybe we’ll just do doggy style and he’ll never see the front.

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I wish the reason that I have disproportionate forearm muscles was as pleasurable as the reason that guys do.

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How do people go commando in a dress? I feel like something is gonna fall out of my vagina at any moment.

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Ummm I’m growing a national forest on my face.

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My swamp ass is so real right now.

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My pants are literally going to just fall right off of me when he gets back from his trip and I’m going to have zero control over it.

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GF1: Please tell me you’ve had multiple orgasms in the last 72 hours.

GF2: Best sex of my life.

GF1: Marry him.

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My uterus is about to erupt. My vagina is literally housing Mt. Vesuvius. I’m dying. Why am I a woman??

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I took the next day off so that I can get drunk just below the “get-sent-to-the-hospital” level, and then make bad decisions regarding my love life.

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I had to change out of my dress and into jeans because you could feel my leg hair through the fabric. I’m obviously not getting laid.

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If a guy doesn’t even want you to talk to him while he’s pooping, why the fuck would he want to stick it in your ass?

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I def just ate a cookie that was god knows how old and stuffed behind a bunch of shit in one of the drawers at work. I have know idea whose it was but I do know that it had chocolate in it and also that maybe I shouldn’t drink sangria on my lunch break.

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If you stopped talking to me for more than 36 hours without having a death in your immediate family, I’d be a little butthurt. Especially if I had texted you that I got laid.

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Just because he’s British does NOT mean he gets a free pass into these panties.

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He had this little twitch in his eye and this weird cough thing happening and I don’t know if he was just super nervous but I do know that it was adorable and made me wanna give his penis a hug. With my vagina.

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Hahaha your fiancé is the best. I need a fiancé who’s also the best so that we can just be sister wives and brother husbands already.

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You know that if I see your ex on the street, I’m going to walk straight up to him and kick him right in the balls, right? Like, multiple times. This is what bitches do for each other.

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Is it weird that we get really excited about each others’ sex lives?

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Would you rather take a shot of your guy’s cum, or a shot of your own phlegm?

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Do you think he’d think less of me if I boned his brains out before being exclusive?

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I saw an ex last night who was in town, and I was expecting it to be along the lines of Fifty Shades of Grey, but it was more like The Notebook, except that Noah and Ally don’t ever end up together, and just…TEARS. TEARS EVERYWHERE. So yea, now I’m just eating a lot of cookies.

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WTF I’ve pooped three times today already.

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GF1: I have a bunch of leftover Plan B pills, do you want them?

GF2: Hahaha what do you think I am, a whore?! Yes. I do want them.

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I’m so dehydrated that my poop looks like a pile of burnt popcorn chicken.

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He hasn’t asked me on another date  yet, but I’m sure he’ll ask before the weekend is over…right? If not, I’m just going to eat three whole ice cream cakes and then drown myself in a kiddie pool.

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GF1: Why am I watching Katie Couric learn how to give a newborn baby the Heimlich?

GF2: You’re lonely.

GF1: And my uterus hurts.

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I just started my period and my back is fucking killing me and all I wanna do is crawl into a gallon of ice cream and eat my way out of it.

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 When I think about being skinnier, my first thought is always: it would be WAY easier to shave my vagina

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I love you so much I just hugged my phone

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I just shaved my entire vagina and I don’t get how this is so fucking attractive. I look like a really tall ten year old with way too much makeup on.

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He’s so sweet I might just kill myself purely because he’d write the best eulogy.

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He makes fucking delicious bacon, so…basically that seals the deal.

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I tried using conditioner instead of shave gel on my lady bits and my vagina feels like a pair of silk panties.

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I need you. In the most heterosexual way.

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GF1: At what point is it appropriate to ask the question, “So, are you gonna cheat on me with free dating websites or completely disappear for a week and then I’ll randomly run into you in a park and you’ll be holding a bottle of bbq sauce and a loaf of bread, like the last guy?”

GF2: I’d say that’s a good fourth date question.

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GF1: How to know your date tanked – you leave and drive straight to the KFC drive-thru window.

GF2: Oh no! He was that bad?

GF1: Give me all the Chicken Littles.

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I’m totally the whore in this relationship.

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It’s so hot out I have a cup of ice between my legs but the heat radiating from my vagina is already melting it.

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You know it’s time to get a brazilian when you move and your jeans tug on your pubes.

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SWEAR to me that you’ll always tell me if my ass is sweating through my pants. Swear it.

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GF1: What percentage of guys do you think try to suck their D’s?

GF2: 100%

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On a scale of 1 to eating cold chicken out of a plastic bag before bed, how lonely are you?

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Btw I’m so bloated I wanna kill myself, and I don’t even wanna binge on junk food first, because TOO BLOATED.

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Confession: I was holding a pen in my mouth and fully drooled all over my chest, but it felt good because I’m so bloody hot.

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GF1: Sorry your leg wax didn’t turn out well!!

GF2: Oh, it’s not that terrible. just thought I’d sit up and cum at touching my own legs.

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GF1: You may also have to hold a fan directly against my vagina while I hold my wedding dress up, so I don’t drip sweat all over everyone’s shoes.

GF2: I’m just going to buy you a strap on dildo and replace the penis with a fan.

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GF1: How do you ask a guy if he’s a virgin without making his dick go soft for all of eternity?

GF2: You can’t.

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Dedicated to my lady loves. I’d be lost and even more crazycakes without you.

Love,

M.