I’m writing this after a horrific work day yesterday. Now, I realize that horrific work days vary greatly depending on what your job is, and that a bad day for me means nothing compared to a bad day for an ICU nurse. Or a garbage man. Or a bull rider. BUT. My face is about six inches away from vagina’s all day and so a bad day for me can feel pretty bad. I’m not sure if it was a full moon, or if all of the difficult clients had a pow-wow and decided to come in on the same day, but I’m telling you: Every single vagina I encountered was demonic, I am sure of it. The weather starts heating up, and bodies start heating up, and heat = sweat, and sweat = a whole bunch of problems, and when you combine all of that with a small room and no air conditioning, well. I’m just going to let you use your imagination. It was rough, and also I had forgotten to pack my weed whacker. And Xanax.
…which is why the half block of cheese I ate when I got home was totally acceptable.
So I needed to decompress. I knew tequila wasn’t an option, partly because I don’t own any and partly because the last time I did own a bottle of tequila, I was 22 and dressed like a pirate and woke up on an unfamiliar couch with my sword in one hand and a burnt bagel in the other.
I settled for some salted caramel greek yogurt and silently scolded myself over why I didn’t instead buy salted caramel ice cream. Yogurt is no remedy for bad tips and overgrown hoo-ha’s and the last thing I was worried about at that moment was how well my pants were gonna fit me the next day. While brooding over stupid grocery store choices, I remembered that one of my good friends texted me recently about how she is having to teach Sex Education at her school. That statement in itself is enough to brighten my day because the thought of anyone I know having to lecture adolescents on why you should wipe front to back is just the best thing ever, and I would literally wax my own vagina in public if it meant I could watch my friend show innocent young minds how to put a condom on a banana.
She said she’d had her kiddo’s write down any sex-related questions they had, and submit them anonymously. She sent me pictures of her favorites because she is an awesome person and awesome people send their friends pictures of weird shit their students do.
So here they are.
I am in my twenties, and still waiting for the answer to most of these questions.
Oh, and in case my vagina horrors weren’t enough for you to feel like you definitely have your shit together, I just realized this morning that I have been using LAUNDRY soap in the DISHWASHER.
I also burnt myself trying to iron out a wrinkle in my shirt, because I was WEARING it.
Just be relieved that I don’t have a child.
I hope your Monday was filled with way more awesomeness than mine was, and if it wasn’t, here’s hoping Tuesday makes us all slightly less tempted to become alcoholics.